A Strange Breed Of Freak

A New Home

2008-01-01T20:53:00.000-06:00

I can now be found over here

A New Start...

2007-12-30T16:21:00.000-06:00

2008 will mark the start of a new blog and leaving this one of pinkness behind...

Oh What The Hell...

2007-12-17T22:53:00.001-06:00

So it's finals week. I have projects coming out of my ass. My house smells funky. I don't have time to figure out what stinks. It might be me for all I know. I am sort of flat broke. I have no time to wrap the gifts that are hidden all over my house. I haven't seen some of my friends in ages. I was in a car accident that, I might get sued over. And now... I find out in a text message that my little brother got engaged today and no one bothered to tell me.

This seems to be a recurring thing...not telling me about engagements.

This week is going to kill me.

WTF...

2007-12-17T21:25:00.000-06:00

Is everyone deleting their blogs?!?!

Marriage At The Speed Of Light...

2007-12-17T21:23:00.000-06:00

Pam Anderson announced her intent to divorce and called it off. In the same 24 hours.

You gotta be fast to keep up with that bag of silicone.

All I Want For Christmas...

2007-12-16T20:42:00.000-06:00

Is the time to be able to go to the gym and to do my dishes.

I feel frumpy and the dishes smell.

I'm Fucked...

2007-12-15T17:18:00.000-06:00

I have far too much work for the end of the semester and not really enough time to do it in.

God Damn, I Needed That...

2007-12-15T11:19:00.000-06:00

So. I went out last night with my friend Skeletor. We call her that, because sometimes, she appears that thin. Anyway, ended up hooking up with one of Bartender's friends. Very cute boy. He rescued me from a crazy guy, and I ended up... ... ... really enjoying his company. hehe. He made me feel pretty for just a few moments.

Now, I have to run to Wal-mart and change my hours, buy some groceries and then hit the books pretty hard core. I have to finish two papers today.

What A Good Sign...

2007-12-14T23:46:00.000-06:00

"I'm worried you like me too much."

My new favorite text from the boy.

*tightens noose around neck*

Fuck This Noise...

2007-12-14T11:44:00.000-06:00

Car accidents suck. I rear ended a woman on my lunch because some jack ass two cars in front of me slammed on their brakes. I found the only patch of ice on the road and hit the woman in front of me.

Insurance companies, cops and paper work can all fuck off.

One Good Thing...

2007-12-13T20:38:00.000-06:00

The restaurant offered me full time tonight.

I might take it.

Mayor Of The Friend Zone...

2007-12-13T20:36:00.000-06:00

The boy tonight asked me about dating the bitchy gross girl that works for Bartender. He wants to know what kinds of flowers she likes.

*looks around for noose*

Beauty Queens and Children's Dreams...

2007-12-13T14:38:00.000-06:00

I solved the world peace crisis today. I had to write a proposal for macro econ today on the subject.

Children and Beauty Queens.

LOL, draw your own conclusions, but if you would like to read the starry eyed proposal...let me know.

In other news, I am losing my mind. The end of the semester is a terribly stressful time right now, and I am not handling it well. I am kind of unbalanced right now. My thoughts don't add up, I have a short fuse, I am needy and whiny. I need a hug. I need to clean my house (it smells funny in here). I don't have time to do it right now. So, maybe next week I can figure out which stack of dishes reek so bad. I am selfishly expecting the attention of some people, and getting heart hurt when I don't get that attention. But there are certain people I need right now. Is that really all that selfish to know which friends are going to say the right things to make it all okay? Is it also ok to not care that I feel like I'm being selfish?

It All Falls Apart In The End...

2007-12-12T22:47:00.000-06:00

So...the boy mentioned below. We are not dating. He actually said the sentence tonight,

"It's ok that we hang out like this, and we aren't going out, right?

Bummer.

I Needed That Like A Hole In The Head...

2007-12-12T00:08:00.000-06:00

So, I went and pierced my nose...

When All Else Fails...

2007-12-11T11:18:00.000-06:00

Buy concert tickets.

Going to see Matchbox Twenty in February. Yay me!

The Good With The Bad...

2007-12-10T17:39:00.000-06:00

What an icky day today turned out to be. Oh well. I guess you'll have those.

A Pretty Sweet Score...

2007-12-09T16:47:00.000-06:00

I did nab myself an early, tragically bad Christmas gift.

Ugh...

2007-12-09T16:42:00.000-06:00

For a girl who hates Christmas, I just charged $150.01 at Kohl's.

It's ok to be paying for Christmas all year, right?

Shocking...

2007-12-09T14:15:00.000-06:00

The below mentioned drama queen at the restaurant, just bothered to not show up today.

So, fired she is. That's one relief.

But now, I'm short a waitress. I have to sweet talk Bartender into helping me out. I know he will, but it's just that I have traded one stress for another. I know that are going to have to ask me to take more shifts.

Miracles Will Happen As We Dream...

2007-12-08T17:31:00.000-06:00

I am losing my damn mind. I had started bullet pointing this...Fuck that.

Ok, I work at Wal-Mart. It's December. Enough said. And you know, I don't hate the job. I hate the materialism of the season. Christmas has been ruined for me.

On that note, I have like no money to try and live my life on, and try and buy holiday gifts. God forbid my mother doesn't get something shiny.

As a result, I have been picking up extra shifts in the restaurant to try and make ends meet. I now work 6 days a week.

In said restaurant, I work with the biggest fucking drama queen, I have ever come in contact with. She's so fucking irresponsible, and I have to keep Bartender on stand by, in case she flakes out and I am short one wait person.

I like a boy. I haven't been talking about it. But, there's a boy. I like this boy. I used to sort of date his stinky, stupid friend. He used to date (or be engaged to, I forget) Melly's little sister. We both openly admit being attracted to each other. It's not something we hide. We very much enjoy each other's company. We "hang out" from time to time. Movie dates, sit around watching movies, he randomly shows up at my place of employment to see me. And still, we are not together. I really like this boy. It's never going to happen. But, I am still sticking it out. Stranger things have happened.

All these things combined with the fact that it's the last two weeks of the semester, I just might have a breakdown.

No one really understands, because no one else is in my shoes. And that sucks, not having anyone relate to this. However, Bartender, Davey and Junior, have been going out of their way to make things easier on me. I have good friends.

Oh...and I hate that my roommate stomps when he walks and insists on chewing with his mouth open.

Oh, Heaven Help Me...

2007-12-06T07:50:00.000-06:00

Melly is on the phone with me right now. She just announced her pregnancy to me.

I don't know if I can handle her and Kristina and her knocked up at the same time.

0 to Bitch In 60...

2007-12-05T15:25:00.000-06:00

I am cranky. Have been all day. Don't feel great. Not feeling very social. And to top off the afternoon, I just watched my roommate spill an entire glass of water on my economics homework...and walk away.

I think I am going to be needing an alibi soon...dead roommate.

I Could Burn The Building Down...

2007-12-05T10:33:00.000-06:00

Grr. A cashier just emailed me and told me that the management at our store plans on having me work a different schedule then what I am actually scheduled this weekend and haven't bothered to actually tell me this.

Um, I don't think so. When did they plan on asking me this? Friday morning? They forget I have multiple jobs. And it's the end of the semester, so I really don't have time to spare.

It just pisses me off that they don't even bother to ask.

Case Of The Mondays...

2007-12-03T13:08:00.001-06:00

A little old woman on a cell phone driving in the parking lot at trigs, had the unfortunate luck of slamming into my car this morning. Shockingly, despite the force with what she hit me, there was no damage to the car. She's lucky. I'd have kicked her ass across town.

Then...I plug in my iPod only to find that my hard drive has decided to completely lose my entire music library.

Fucking wonderful.

Songs To Rage By...

2007-11-27T16:31:00.001-06:00

So earlier today, I was thinking that I was digging myself a hole. I have picked up Thursday nights in the restrauant. Well, we had an issue with one of the new employees recently that left Tuesdays open also. So I picked those up. I was thinking that I should be more stressed then what I am, but I think alot of it has to do with not being miserable at work.

So, I am bopping along to work all bundled up, braving the elements. I get there to find that the new girl, changed the schedule and decided to work today after all. Der.

Not that's it's a big deal, but I lost 30 minutes of time I could have been doing homework to someone else's stupidity.

And I was going to use my tip money to send myself to see Hitman tonight. Double Der.

A Statement of Lust...

2007-11-27T14:58:00.000-06:00

Vitamin Water completes me.

I am addicted. Lord help me.

The First Thanksgiving...

2007-11-22T09:24:00.000-06:00

So today, I am hosting my very own Thanksgiving for my friends. And because it will be filled with mishaps and shenanigans, I shall post live updates for the most of the day.

7.58 am: Off to Wal-mart. In my slightly altered state last night (drunk), I forgot to go back to Wal-mart and get things like the turkey roasting bags, and milk.

9.29 am: I just realized that while I knew I wouldn't have enough plates, it never dawned on me that I didn't have enough utensils. Off to Wal-mart.

9.32 am: "Why won't you poop?" Davey just asked the dogg. (And yes it's, Dogg, the dogg is gangsta)

9.36 am: "It's like throwing a hot dog down the hallway. That's why she doesn't like it." Davey's insight on why Junior's roommate doesn't like sex.

9.51 am: "Why can't Sean Connery host the parade just one time?" - Junior

11.52 am: "Mom's stuffing looks like shit." Text from little brother. (Her stuffing is the most vile creation on the planet. Nothing good about it on earth. Possibly the one side dish to ruin the holiday world wide.

12.20 pm: "Girls like my dough nuts." Pook, my roommate.

12.10 pm: (I forgot...my bad) Jennigirl, one of my waitresses just burst into my apartment, "Juice, I need a beer." She's making beer bread for tonight's feast.

I Once Saw A Movie With Betty Grable...

2007-11-21T01:03:00.000-06:00

Thanksgiving is shaping up nicely. I am having 15 (ish) people in my house for Thursday. I am kind of freaking out about it, but only because I don't want to mess it up.

To be honest, I am so excited to be making my own holiday. I hope I can make this work. I'd love for this to be a tradition.

It's A Long Way To Happy From Rock Bottom...

2007-11-18T17:13:00.000-06:00

It's hard for me to hear about him sleeping with our friends and not be bothered by it. It just hurts.

Wait, What...

2007-11-17T13:56:00.000-06:00

Gene Simmons died?

They Are All Adorable...

2007-11-13T15:27:00.001-06:00

ok...Well, not all of them. There is an ugly one or two out there.

I met Bartender's little brother Sunday night. First of all, let's just touch on the fact that my heart did the icky thump a bump thing when I walked into the house and he was holding this sleeping little boy close to his chest. And when we did the pass the sleeping baby without waking him deal, my mind couldn't help but think, what if.

Now that I have that out of my system, god, being in love with your best friend is not an easy thing.

What a sweet little boy. As I was sitting there talking with his parents and running my fingers gently along his tiny little leg, I am not going to deny that I flinched and sort of retracted my fingers every time I got to his club foot. I didn't flinch out of shock or disgust, but I was really concerned about hurting him. I know that's silly, but he's so fragile and new, that I just felt like touching it would hurt and wake him.

All and all, sweet little boy. The one time he peeked his eye open at me, I felt like he was giving me a little gift.

Turn To Page 127...

2007-11-13T13:51:00.000-06:00

Ever think that life is like one of those fantasy "choose your own adventure" books, where you decided how the story ended? Well, it is, isn't it?

I have quietly decided to turn to page 127, to see what happens next. I have concretely decided that my major of choice is Marketing. But what to do with it has been the question all along.

Today, I have decided that I am minor-ing in Communication. I am going to attempt to enter the field of Public Relations. It's all about passion, the entire field. You have to sell the shit out of whatever is tossed at you. Whether it's an event, a press release, dealing with a management company, etc., it's all about portraying an image and backing it up.

Everything I have read simply comes down to this, you have to want it. Want someone to talk about your event, want someone to hire you, want to be the best. I think we can safely say that with all the obstacles that have been tossed at me in the last year, that I have a little bitty fire driving me and I really think this is something I would do well at.

So, I wonder what will happen next?

Pending Updates...

2007-11-13T07:16:00.000-06:00

I have so much to update you on....tonight.

Different Eyes...

2007-11-10T07:52:00.000-06:00

I had a 15 hour field trip for Geology yesterday. Wow, did I see some cool shit! I saw some of the most beautiful rock formations ever. And I saw them with new eyes. What I once thought would have just been a wonder of nature, has me seeing the geology significance, and looking quite a bit closer then I normally would have.

Well, I will get more into it tomorrow, but let's just say it's all fun to you drop your camera down a cliff.

Big day today. Working. Going to a funeral. Going back to work to work an event. And then getting Anners drunk to mourn the passing of her Momma. I am going to cry today.

On the docket for tomorrow is telling Bartender, how selfish I am and not wanting him to date a friend of ours. Oh boy.

Shut Up Butthead, I'm Trying To Score...

2007-11-08T17:01:00.000-06:00

So I met up with Bartender today to vent about my Melly issue. It's been heavy on my mind all day. I can't get passed this. I have never been so hurt before. The situation was gone over a thousand times (because I wouldn't let it go), with a thousand different endings.

Was she drunk? Oh yes.

Do I think she would have asked the same thing sober? Oh yes, just would have worded it differently. She's just that selfish. It's sincerely about how everything looks. It's always about appearance with the shallow ones.

Here's the thing. The exact words came out of her mouth...

"I need you to lose weight before the wedding. I need "us" to be pretty."

There is no mistaking what exactly was meant by that. Which is really unfortunate, because I have been dealing with issues of feeling invisible amongst my beautiful friends. I felt like last night I wasn't pretty enough to be her friend. That me being there, all fat and unpretty, is actually going to be a belmish in her wedding album.

I don't have the best self-confidence in the world, I'll admit this. I think at one time I was a pretty girl. A girl that people took notice of, and then I got fat. I'm not ugly, but I am by no means a pretty girl. I promise you, that you would look right past me in a crowd and never even notice me. It's taken me a long time to accept this. A long time. Like with in the last year, I became ok with it. This week has pushed me back about a million steps.

It wouldn't be bad, but I just started going back to the gym, Monday. This happened yesterday. Part of me wants to let it roll of my (very large) back, and part of me just wants to have deep fried twinkies dipped in lard every day between now and the wedding.

I haven't really eaten all day, I have had a granola bar and 3/4 of a tossed salad. It's not that I am starving myself or anything, but the thought of food just makes me want to barf right now.

Am I Not Good Enough...

2007-11-08T07:38:00.000-06:00

Melly and her boyfriend have begun to talk wedding plans, despite he hasn't asked that crucial question.

Last night she told me to lose weight before the wedding, because she wants "us" to be pretty for the wedding.

Um. I know I'm nothing much to look at, but fucking ouch.

I'm pretty upset at her right now, and her drunk ass doesn't even know it. Dumb, spoiled little bitch.

Holy Posts...

2007-11-06T17:15:00.001-06:00

Try to keep up...ok?

"You Have More Homework Then Anyone I Have Ever Known..."

2007-11-06T17:12:00.000-06:00

Words Davey spoke to me the other day. It feels true. It's heavy on my mind as it's time to enroll for spring semester.

I am signed up for: Intro to Philosophy, Motion Picture Appreciation, and English Comp 1.

Pssh. Ain't no thing. I'm gonna have a much smoother ride next semester, I imagine.

Look How Far They've Come...

2007-11-06T15:08:00.000-06:00

If Matchbox twenty ever announces tour dates....

I am so there. I don't care if I have to remove my pancreas to go.

(I'm destined to be diabetic, I figure I'll give this one up and buy a new one on the black market anyway.)

Movie Mumblings...

2007-11-06T15:00:00.000-06:00

I go through phases where I watch a ton of movies lately and then nothing for weeks.

This week I watched, Music and Lyrics and the start of Alpha Dog

Music and Lyrics is completely a chick flick. No hiding that. The best part of this movie described my love affair with music...

"A melody is like seeing someone for the first time. The physical attraction. Sex. ... But then as you get to know the person, that's the lyrics. Their story. Who they are underneath. It's the combination of the two that makes it magical."

My thoughts exactly.

Oh, and the first half of Alpha Dog looked good as hell. Bartender is supposed to take me to see American Gangster Wednesday night. I'm excited as hell for this movie, we'll see if he follows through. I may go without him, I want to see this film that bad.

Something That Caught My Ear...

2007-11-06T14:50:00.000-06:00

Sometimes, I get wrapped up in the things that we call "life", it's songs like this that catch my ear and make me think.

Carrie Underwood - So Small

What you got if you ain't got love
the kind that you just want to give away
It's okay to open up
go ahead and let the light shine through
I know it's hard on a rainy day
you want to shut the world out and just be left alone
But don't run out on your faith

'Cause sometimes that mountain you've been climbing is just a grain of sand
What you've been up there searching for
forever is in your hands
When you figure out love is all that matters after all
It sure makes everything else
seem so small

It's so easy to get lost inside
a problem that seems so big at the time
it's like a river thats so wide
it swallows you whole
While you sit around thinking about what you can't change
and worrying about all the wrong things
time's flying by
moving so fast
you better make it count 'cause you can't get it back

Sometimes that mountain you've been climbing is just a grain of sand
What you've been up there searching for
forever is in your hands
When you figure out love is all that matters after all
It sure makes everything else
Seem so small

I Can't Even Will Myself Warm Right Now...

2007-11-06T14:11:00.000-06:00

The thin blanket of snow that covered my almost picturesque small town was still here when I woke up this morning. It's thinning as the day progresses but it's a very clear sign of the season.

I have been chilled on campus all day staring out windows of class rooms and have caught myself thinking, "It even looks cold today", as I stare out across the lake that my beautiful campus sits on.

I am sitting here wearing a long sleeve t-shirt and can't ignore the slight prickle of goosebumps that has been pestering my skin all day. My iPod is blasting sounds that imply the warm of carefree summer days in my ears. Artists like Kenny Chesney, Long Beach Dub All Stars, Colbie Caillat, The Contagious Remedy (a friend's band), and others that simply beg me to drive with the windows down and feel the warmth of the sun on my face are simply not sufficient today. I feel I should replace them with the crisp, cool sounds of a modern jazz ballad, perhaps a little Chris Botti or Michael Buble.

I feel this day would be best spent in front of a fire place with warm cider or tea. Since I have neither, I guess I will destroy the attempted beauty of this post, and say this...

Fuck it dude, I'm going tanning.

What Did She Say...

2007-11-05T20:08:00.000-06:00

I said...

I am going to do absolutely nothing tonight. Sit on my butt kind of nothing. I am not opening text book...washing a dish....nothing!

Happy Birthday...

2007-11-01T21:27:00.001-05:00

Cole Jordan Bartender.

November 1st, 7:20 p.m. 6 pounds 12 oz.

YAY!

That's Hot...

2007-11-01T14:45:00.000-05:00

My friend Tom tom decided to spend the haunting holiday in Vegas this year.

Last night, he called from Paris Hilton's Halloween party. I could tell I have been hanging around with the boys to long when all I had to say is...

"If you don't hit that from behind, you should probably not come home."

LOL, quick. I need a manicure and a Reese Witherspoon movie.

**Baby update** Bartender's mom went in this morning...still no baby.

Kick You When You're Down...

2007-11-01T02:27:00.001-05:00

So, Davey points out I have a very flat tire. I am advised to drive it to Holiday and deal with it tomorrow. Driving it to Holiday shreds my tire. Not just a little....ALOT tire bits all over the place.

New tires. That's what I get. This never happened on the old ones.

Oh, And That...

2007-10-31T22:54:00.000-05:00

Bartender's bat shit crazy ex girlfriend asked me to be her maid of honor today. In a text message. The wedding is next weekend.

Is "Fuck no" appropriate?

My Wish...

2007-10-31T22:35:00.000-05:00

I wish that no one ever had to feel the heart ache of losing someone close to them ever. Anners mother passed away about an hour ago. I am heart broken. I never knew her, but the loss my friend is currently dealing with is killing me. I am speechless. I am crying right now for her. Her mother was very sick, so it is probably a blessing. But seeing that blessing is often tough through the tears.

Bartender's mom is currently in labor. Has been all day.

What a strange day this is turning out to be. Lots more tears then I expected.

Ain't No Sunshine When She's Gone...

2007-10-29T15:55:00.000-05:00

It occurred to me today, that all the joy is gone from my life. There is nothing that really excites me the way it used to. Things I used to love have lost all appeal. I have even said things like..."I have been tired since 2005." I can't remember the last time I got really excited about something and not felt some sort of feeling of dread along with it. Even dressing up and going out with my friends on halloween wasn't fun.

Where did the lights in my life go? When did I become a black hole of nothing? When did I start having depression issues? How long have I been like this? Can I take my life back?

I am going to the gym tonight. My clothes don't fit.

I'm Kind Of A Big Deal Around Here...

2007-10-27T12:12:00.000-05:00

I get this alot. I'll be walking through a bar, and someone will come up to me and be like...

"Hey Juicy, how are you?"

Or some comparable pleasantry and I'm forced to carry on an uncomfortable conversation with some person I do not know.

How are people I do not know comfortable enough to use my nickname? Do they know my name? Do they know how annoying I am actually finding it when strangers address me so personally?

I Am Not Seeing The Beauty Today...

2007-10-23T11:14:00.001-05:00

Life ain't always beautiful
Sometimes it's just plain hard
Life can knock you down
It can break your heart.

Life ain't always beautiful
You think you're on your way
And it's just a dead end road
At the end of the day.

But the struggles make you stronger
And the changes make you wise
And happiness has it's own way
Of taking it's sweet time.

No, life ain't always beautiful
Tears will fall sometimes
Life ain't always beautiful
But it's a beautiful ride.

Life ain't always beautiful
Some days I miss your smile
I get tired of walking
All these lonely miles.

And wish for just one minute
That I could see your pretty face
Guess, I can dream
But life don't work that way.

But the struggles make me stronger
And the changes make me wise
And happiness has it's own way
Of taking it's sweet time.

No, life ain't always beautiful
But I know I'll be fine
Life ain't always beautiful
But it's a beautiful ride.

What a beautiful ride...

That's all I have today.  I am pretty down.  Maybe I'll explain later.  That's it for now.

"One Day It's Heaven, One Day It's Hell..."

2007-10-22T20:52:00.000-05:00

Oh boy, did my day suck major balls. Donkey balls. Big donkey balls. Big, hairy donkey balls.

And then, I came home to discover I passed my Algebra exam I was worried about. And not by the slim margin I expected. Perfect score baby!!!

That helps alot.

The missing school books are not setting well with me ... even yet. I had to order the replacements today. You hear that, it's my credit card whimpering back into my wallet.

I Have Got A Diease...

2007-10-19T11:28:00.000-05:00

I bought another purse today with some birthday moolah.

Like I really needed a red satin hand bag.

Well, Now, That Can't Be Good...

2007-10-18T21:10:00.000-05:00

Ever have that uneasy feeling when you walk out of an exam because the test was way easier then the homework?

I do not feel good about the Algebra test.

I, however, am supremely confident that I failed my Geology exam. Abso-fucking-lutely positive.

Oh well. To quote the professor, "It's not panic time yet."

Oh, It Wasn't So Bad...

2007-10-17T16:20:00.000-05:00

And by that, I mean it was great. I cried a bit, but I laughed more. I was upset with the world a bit, but my friends loved me more.

Ok, maybe one more birthday won't kill me. But I swear...that is it then, no more after this next one!! ;)

For the first time ever, my Mother produced a birthday gift on my birthday. It was an amazing one too. Tires. I am getting new tires. Who would have guessed my Mother actually listens when I talk!? Melly bought me a beautiful Hello Kitty glass ornament. MrsGiggles, hand made me a breathtaking card. Ray-Ray got me this bottle of perfume I had been eyeing up. Kiki got me a pretty bitchin' that's right, I said bitchin' Hello Kitty clutch purse. My wonderful friends took me out to dinner. Despite the fact that Bartender couldn't make it, I think he felt worse then I did about this, I had a pretty great time. I love when I can get my friends all in one spot at the same time. Kids, school schedules, drastically varying work schedules, and distance often makes this tough.

To make up for Bartender not being able to make it, Davey and Junior are taking Bartender and I to this brewery about 30 minutes north of here, which will include a stop at my favorite Squishy person in the world.

Ok...Homework. Seriously, I have two exams tomorrow. And my books, still MIA.

I'll load the pictures later. Blogger is being a bitch.

Blogger got less bitchy! Yea!

Oh, It's That Day...

2007-10-16T14:19:00.001-05:00

I don't think I am going to celebrate my birthday anymore.

And who steals a back pack full of school books. And I thought I was a geek.

Everyone Celebrates Their Birthday For A Week, Right?

2007-10-15T18:46:00.001-05:00

That my friends is a bucket of beer. That's what you get for birthdays around here.

Tagged Like A Deer On The Tailgate of an F150...

2007-10-09T00:15:00.000-05:00

OK...HST tagged me for 8 random facts about me....

1) I have broken every finger and toe.
2) I cannot stand an open, empty mailbox.
3) Storms are terrifying.
4) I have a laundry scent fetish. Must smell amazing.
5) My cats are more important to me then I ever expected.
6) The thought of finally having my own holiday tradition makes me smile.
7) My friends are amazing. Only family I'll ever need (The fish is considered in the friend column)
8) Losing my job was the best thing to happen to me. Free. I am free.

I Used To Hang Out 2 Houses Over From Where This Happened...

2007-10-07T19:42:00.001-05:00

Off-Duty Officer Kills 6

This took place 20 minutes east of here.

Argh...

2007-10-04T13:38:00.001-05:00

A coin bank contains Nickels, Dimes, and Quarters. There are 14 nickels, 1/6 of the coins are dimes, and 3/5 are quarters. How many total coins are there?

Why can't I do this?! Ok, take a shot at it. I already know the answer, but I would really love to know how to get there.

Thank Fucking God...

2007-10-02T11:05:00.000-05:00

I got an A on my Algebra exam.

Dear god, did I need that.

I'm Not Even Going To Pretend To Be Sad...

2007-10-01T18:34:00.000-05:00

Britney lost custody of her kids today. Thank god!

It's So Deserved...

2007-09-30T16:30:00.000-05:00

My beloved Chicago Cubs are in the playoffs.

I love October baseball!!!

Woot!

Ouch...

2007-09-27T13:18:00.001-05:00

I just took a math test that actually made my head hurt.

Validate Me, Love Me...

2007-09-25T23:24:00.000-05:00

I am having esteem issues.

Someone quick, take me on a date. Doesn't have to mean anything...just need to feel special, even for a few minutes.

Words From A Dying Man...

2007-09-25T14:23:00.000-05:00

"Brick walls are there for a reason. The brick walls aren't there to keep us out. The brick walls are there to show us how badly we want things."

Randy Pausch, a terminal cancer patient/professor at Carngie Mellon spoke these words this week.

I'd do good to keep them in mind lately.

Destiny...

2007-09-23T23:35:00.001-05:00

Transformers gets released on DVD on my birthday.

A Quote...

2007-09-23T23:31:00.000-05:00

"I am going to sit on the couch and bask in my own sweetness."

-The boy next door.

How Does It Feel...

2007-09-23T23:22:00.000-05:00

To know that my pig tails are pulled to tight, and hurt my head.

Ow.

The Costs Of Stress...

2007-09-20T13:50:00.000-05:00

Everytime I start to feel everything falling apart, every joint in my body feels like it's fused together.

I feel this mostly in my back, the more upset I get, the tighter my back gets. Now, breathing hurts.

I also tend to pick at imaginary blemishes on my face. I have a hole on my chin that's scabbing over from earlier in this week.

And what's really cool is how much hair I lose. Thankfully, I have a rather thick head of hair. It's quickly graying, but thick none the less...so you can't really tell.

It is really disgusting though having to clean the shower drain every other day.

The Face Of A Breakdown...

2007-09-20T11:42:00.000-05:00

Hi. That's me. I feel like I am falling apart at the seams a little more everyday.

I have so much to write about how I feel like I am hitting my max, but I can't even take the time to tell you because, I spent my time myspacing. God, I'm a fucking moron.

I Can't Believe I'm Saying This...

2007-09-05T09:40:00.000-05:00

I like Britney's new single...Gimme More.

It's not bad and it makes me wanna dance.

"I Never Knew That Everything Was Falling Through..."

2007-09-04T13:34:00.000-05:00

This happens to me alot. I get into something and develop a tendency to freak out a little bit.

I am freaking out.

Algebra, Geology, Macroeconomics.

*bits lip* Oh dear. Can I handle this?

Annoying...

2007-09-04T11:28:00.000-05:00

God, I hate the first day back at class. They are trying to make it exciting, turns out it's just really fucking distracting for me. I wanted to get some shit done on my break between classes, but there is so much commotion on campus that I can't hardly think. There is a fucking balloon artist for fuck's sake. However...I do kind of want him to make me a penguin.

I am already thinking that my Geology class is going to be a handful. I hear that this instructor will change my life, but all I see is a crazy man who told me outright that there is no way that I will ever get an A in his class. I have to wonder if he's challenging me to see if I can.

I have Algebra next. I am really going to wish I took this in high school I think.

It's Finally Happened...

2007-09-03T18:31:00.000-05:00

I've turned into one of them.

The boys that is.

I was standing a the fridge just now, making my dinner in the soft glow of that 60 Watt bulb, and I dropped the slice of bread that was to be the perfect mate to my hot dog. I stood there for a full 20 seconds or so, staring at it. I grabbed the ketchup, squirted some on it...and then I picked it up off the floor and complete it's destiny date with my hot dog.

It was only later, that I realized that, I am disgusting.

Gimme One Reason...

2007-08-30T06:40:00.000-05:00

Or your song...

I posed a question to my friends yesterday, and got some great answers.

If you could add one song to the music collection of everyone you know, what would it be?

I got some amazing responses. Like a great cover of The Cure's Just Like Heaven.

So, I ask you now...What would you add to the world's playlist?

Here We Go Again...

2007-08-27T10:47:00.001-05:00

My online class opens today. I am so not ready for this already.

It's Not Easy Being This Crazy...

2007-08-26T15:52:00.000-05:00

I don't even know where to start. I have been freaking out all day.

Let's start with the boy. I worked in the restaurant today. I had all kinds of time for my mind to wander. Once I settled down a little bit, I had time to evaluate last night's situation. The most romantic thing ever happened last night. But it didn't happen to me.

His love is in the area from Vegas. She is in the next city for a bachelorette party. He and I were at this wedding. He announces during the reception that he is considering going to see her. I tell him I think it's a bad idea (Of course I think it's a bad idea...I know how he feels about her. I know he'll never feel that way about me. I think it's a rotten idea!!!). We are standing in the middle of everything discussing the situation, and I go ahead and say what a best friend should.

"Be happy." (Fucking moron)

He stops mid sentence. Looks at me.

"Fuck this. I love her. I am going. I love you, I'll call you from the road." Gives me the warmest hug ever and runs out the door.

He lived out a real live movie moment right there in front of me. It was so sweet and devastating at the same time. I made small talk for a few minutes and then found my way to the door before my face exploded in tears.

I swear, last night, I was in a live action Resse Witherspoon movie. I sobbed uncontrollably for a bit and put myself to bed.

At work, I couldn't help but wonder, I am in love with him...or am I in love with the idea of being with someone like him? Am I just sick of being single and this is what happens? I would never ever give up my friendship with him for anything. And I can't imagine not being able to talk to him about every little thing with him...including our relationships. Can't I just clone him and date the clone? (Though, I did see that Michael Keaton movie with the cloning and we know it was a horrid idea from that) Anyway, the more I thought about it, I convinced myself that my "love" for my best friend may just be that I am in fact, a little bit lonely. And he's there. And I know how wonderful he is. Well, let's be real...should I be in love with my best male friend who I spend every single day with? No. But is it possible? Without a doubt. But I can't go jumping off the deep end here.

And telling him, only going to make things worse. There will be this weirdness and I can't have that. I depend on him too much, to not have him there. I can't risk that. I can't take the chance.

After work, he called me. I assume to tell me how things went last night (he spent the night there...I can assume). And why is it that talking to him made every single thing ok? I just got off the phone with him...he did listen to me whine about the other stuff I have going on (that's another post) and I feel 100% better. I won't tell him what really caused my distress but he believes it to be over a boy. He has nooooo idea.

All he said about his little encounter with her, is that it was nice. He says he doesn't have alot to tell me right now, other then it was nice. (What the fuck does nice mean?)

I just don't know what is going on in my head right now. But, I know I am ok now. Which probably just further proves that I am in love with him...but back to denial.

Now, I am going to launch into the other stuff. School.

It dawned on me on Friday that at this rate, I am looking at being 33 when I graduate with my BA. 33. Now, I know there is a new Lifetime movie every week that tells us that anybody can do it. My life is not a movie. His is, mine isn't. I need to be going to school full time. I cannot wait another 6 years for life to really start. I need action now.

So, going to school full time, means working less. This also means...I don't know if I am going to be able to live on my own. I may have to bite the bullet and move in with my mother. I am going to toss around the idea with other family members, as my mother is my last resort.

Living with my mother at nearly 30 (OMG, 30. That's not a fun idea to wrap my pea mind around) , I can't be that person. I mean, I could...but do I want to. Oh fuck no.

So, now I gotta figure shit out. How to work, how to go full time at school, How to keep my apartment, How to have a life and still keep my life in tact.

I am a big mental mess right now. I just don't know anything right now.

Now About That...

2007-08-26T07:36:00.000-05:00

I wasn't drunk last night when I made that post. I'm also not deleting it. I thought about it, but...if Usher can make a million dollars telling his story, maybe I can sleep better at night. You already know that I love him, but maybe I needed to say it out loud.

It sucks. I don't feel better after a night of sleep. I thought being over tired and spending too much time in the sun yesterday, combined with 3 weddings in 7 days was all it was...

Turns out...I knew all along what was wrong with me.

Now it's all about moving on...right?

Now, it's just making sure that he doesn't find out.

These Are My Confessions...

2007-08-26T00:09:00.000-05:00

I just sent the only boy I have thought I could spend my life with, after the love of his life, because he is still in love with her.

I'm a good friend, for sending him after her right? He loves her.

But I love him...what about me?! Who sends me after my happy ending? Did I just fuck myself over?

Should I feel odd that she's the only thing he won't tell me about?

I Can't Stop Smiling...

2007-08-24T03:03:00.000-05:00

Bartender and I had a moment on the phone tonight. It completely validated our friendship. It was exactly what I needed to hear tonight.

He's good like that.

Sometimes I wonder what kind of couple we would hypothetically make. Right now, I am so content with our friendship.

And I spent sometime with Kiki tonight, and it was looong over due. I so needed that. She did ask me to throw her baby shower though! I couldn't be more thrilled that she would trust me with this.

Movie Mumblings...

2007-08-23T13:30:00.000-05:00

The Omen: 666 - This remake was much creepier then the original. I really enjoyed it.

LA Confidential - I'm watching it right now. I don't like it.

The Accidental Felon...

2007-08-23T11:15:00.000-05:00

Bartender and I had a short criminal career the other day. We are not good at that game.

I'll follow with the story another day.

Left A Note And Said I'm Sorry, I've Had A Bad Again...

2007-08-20T17:32:00.000-05:00

Phone rings at 1 am this morning. I see it's Bartender. I found it odd, be cause he is supposed to be at college town for orientation.

He's stranded on the side of the freeway and wanted to talk to me while he waited for his saving grace. It sounds like his transmission went out on him.

He calls once his dad drops off another vehicle and waits for the other to be towed home.

He is delayed but not, screwed.

He calls me again. 9 a.m. from his orientation. They messed up his application and he's not even a student. He has to reapply.

He drove 2.5 hours and killed his car for nothing. I'm making him his favorite meal tonight. I think he's earned it.

I don't know why I felt compelled to tell you that. I just did.

Oh, yea. And Xan might have cancer. Has to have surgery on Thursday. I'm scared. What is going on with my friends!?!?!

Another Beautiful Bride...

2007-08-19T21:56:00.001-05:00

Another beautiful bride.

Two weddings in two days is alot. As fun as it was, I am freaking beat.

Hehehee...

2007-08-19T19:21:00.001-05:00

I'm Going To Die Alone...

2007-08-17T21:42:00.001-05:00

*sigh* It was a lovely day. Today could not have gone any more perfectly for the happy couple. I am sort of broken hearted and happy all at the same time. I am 50% of the way through the wedding weekend and I think the tough one will actually be tomorrow. Weddings make the single girl really sad.

I could insert a confession here about people...but won't. Instead...I think I'll go to bed.

*I did look sorta hot today though, but not quite hot enough...I'll never be hot enough*

Movie Mumblings...

2007-08-14T20:25:00.001-05:00

300 - Visually, the coolest thing I have ever seen. However, after the first fight scene, I found the movie unbearable. The acting is terrible and the dialog is laughable. How upsetting. It looked like nothing more then a sensational video game.

Accepted - Hehehe. Justin Long makes me giggle. I don't care how fluffy the movie is.

I Did Not Know That...

2007-08-14T18:27:00.001-05:00

Surf the internet long enough and even that is boring.

Is There A Chiropractor In The House...

2007-08-14T15:08:00.000-05:00

I just went and got my books for the upcoming semester. OW! These bitches are heavy.

Went to the doctor today. Time to go back on some meds I thought I grew out of as a kid. I am having some difficulty managing my ADD lately. Turns out that I was also due for every vaccine booster on the planet. My arm hurts.

I was to have lunch with Bartender today, he didn't answer the phone. Shocking. *notice invisible snarky tone*

My former roommate is getting married in a few days. Odd.

My cats are fighting. Not shocking.

Bluebidy Bluebidy Blu.

Give A Girl A Flat Iron...

2007-08-10T15:39:00.001-05:00

And you change her identity completely.

A Day With Something To Say...

2007-08-08T14:25:00.000-05:00

It seems I always have something to say, though. Why is today any different? It just is.

I was in the bank today conducting some ... well, banking. While I was there the AVP of (whatever), The woman in charge spotted me. This woman had a hand in hiring me. This woman trained me. This woman has been my only cheerleader for some time now. She pulled me aside and asked me what really happened with my dismissal.

I told her. I told her I felt like I had been a target for quite sometime. The terms of my dismissal are simple on paper. I was late for work. I was let go for this reason. Do I think that underlying issues existed, oh yes. I ended up unloading everything on her that I should have said 3 years ago. She asked me, if I was offered my job back with a salary increase, would I consider it? I felt confident walking away from her, knowing I told her no.

I felt better then I had in months. What an emotional release that was. I stopped to see Kiki on the way home, and it felt right again. I miss Keeks.

On the rest of the walk home, I felt so pleased that I actually considered booking a flight out to California to see my dear friend who is having a rough time lately.

I got home and through the "6 degrees of net surfing" on Myspace, I came across the fact that he told other people that I am a bad friend lately. I forgot to call him Monday, like I said I would. I made no effort to call yesterday. He wrote hurtful things about me. He thinks now that I am friends with the people that he is close to, I no longer need him. That he has been replaced. That I don't care.

Well, ouch. That hurt. He thinks that's bad. I forgot for the first time since the 6th grade, to call my friend in Florida and wish her happy birthday. Now, that's bad.

I called. I didn't want too after that, but did. He didn't answer (I know he's home). I left a message. I will try tomorrow.

Ok, well. Pity party over. I'm off for tacos before work.

Fucking Fucker...

2007-08-08T01:27:00.001-05:00

Fuck Barry Bonds...

Leave Me Alone...

2007-08-07T18:57:00.000-05:00

I am in movie heaven. Distrubia and 300 came in the mail today. Distrubia is already in the DVD player.

I'll see you cats later!

The Night In Pictures...

2007-08-06T10:41:00.000-05:00

Foiled Again...

2007-08-06T00:37:00.000-05:00

I was about to ramble on about my 90's music dream come true (I saw the Gin Blossoms tonight) and then it hit me.

I have kitties to attend to.

Away I go. Maybe tomorrow.

I Like His Style...

2007-08-05T13:16:00.001-05:00

Sandy Meowfax likes Tortellini Alfredo.

Me too.

He Is Really Bad At This Game...

2007-08-01T11:19:00.001-05:00

Are you ready for an update in the boy story?

So, he's always giving me crap about working so late and we can never hang out, well, Monday I was done at 8 and asked if he wanted to see a movie. I didn't hear from him all day, so I guessed that was a no. He happens to call me just as I am getting home to ask if I wanted to do something. I get to the top of my stairs to discover that my roommate has dead bolted me out of the apartment. I could not seem to wake him, so I explained to boy that until I had this resolved plans were on hold.

Instead of melting in the heat, I walked down by Bartender, because his bar is air conditioned, and attempted to wake the roommate. 30 minutes later, the door was unlocked. I let boy know I would be over as soon as I changed clothes.

"I have friends over now."

"Oh. Um. Ok maybe this weekend?"

He calls to tell me that he doesn't actually have friends over...yet. But he might. His friend is a girl visiting from Canada and doesn't have a cell phone so he can't confirm plans with her. But, he'll call me at 10 if she doesn't show.

No real plans are made. I continue to hang out with Bartender, since I have no where to be. Since neither of us has bought his sister's birthday present, I have been sent to purchase them. Bartender keeps mentioning that Boy should probably had said something to the effect of his friend being his one eyed cousin just to smooth things over. It is decided that should Boy call and try to make plans I am not going. I brush it off and head on my mission.

While shopping, Boy calls. His friend wants to go shoot pool. Do I want to come? Um...no. Ok, so I agree to meet them (stupid girl).

I KID YOU NOT. 5 minutes later, "She changed her mind, we are going to hang out here. Wanna do something tomorrow?"

"I'm sort of busy."

"Maybe another day?"

I commit to nothing because I am bitter.

I retell the story to Bartender, and he asks what I was doing the next day that I couldn't hang out with him. I work at 5, so there was no reason I couldn't hang out during the day. I was just being pissy.

Well, fast forward to 10 am yesterday. I am laying on the floor in my living room in front of a box fan wearing the least amount of clothing possible and just trying not to melt and he texts to ask how my day is. I describe the situation and his reply is...

"I have air... wanna come over?"

I don't reply for several minutes.

"I'm getting in the shower. Be ready in 30 minutes."

We watch Donnie Darko (first time for me, what a mind fuck), and we have lots of little 3rd grade flirty moments. Accidental hand brushings, sliding closer on the couch....JUST PULL THE TRIGGER DUDE. You got me here....obviously, you've been green lighted.

Well, we took a break from movies to hang a curtain. So here we are...standing on his bed. I go to get off and lose my footing and fall over. Ok. So dude, I'm laying on your bed... this seems like the perfect time to mention your girlfriend (she's not a girlfriend!). Frustrated I roll off the bed and shuffle to the couch. We are sitting there talking and he asks if he can put Star Wars on in the back ground. Now, you might be thinking...what a geek. What you don't know is, I have ever seen Star Wars. Not a single solitary minute of any of them. The more people freak out about me not seeing it...the funnier it is for me to not see it.

I caved. I sat and watched one hour of New Hope. I'm not impressed. But ok. I will end up seeing all of them, so I can say I have finally.

Ok whatever, he drives me home, says he'll call me later.

OH WHAT THE HELL! Dude, I keep coming over....clearly the girlfriend doesn't bother me. What is the hold up?!

He is sooo bad at this game!!

A Hypocrite, Maybe...

2007-08-01T11:16:00.001-05:00

I hate winter with a passion. However, I could use a break from the daily 90 degree heat. My living over a bakery, not air conditioned existence could use a break.